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yellowhair
I have a huge water leak in my RV and I found a freaky looking spider on my bed. This sucks.
 
 
yellowhair
Sitting here on a bench @ Walmart wondering how all the people around me manage to be so damn happy?
 
 
yellowhair
13 October 2009 @ 06:28 pm
I walked into Wal mart today and thought I was going to die as I walked in and saw all those people. I got dizzy and everything went blank but somehow I managed to walk to the woman's section so I could find some black pants for my new job. I am wondering if I get stressed out just walking in Wal mart how I am going to handle working in fast food? It all seems like it is to much to handle. I am afraid I am going to have anxiety attacks in front of the customers ate work. But my unemployment stopped and I have to make money. To make my day even weirder I went into a car wash and got stuck in it. The power just went off and it was one of those car washed that is unattended and you just swipe your credit card. When the power went out and soap was all over my car I was so depressed I just sat there for 30 minutes, hopeless staring at the soap rolling down my wind shield. I was just thinking this HAS to be some kind of cruel joke...What makes people go on?
 
 
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
 
 
yellowhair
Life is like a cruel joke for me. My stomach just like sank like I felt like I was going to die.
 
 
yellowhair
For some people life just sucks. And there is no reasoning to it...It just sucks.
 
 
 
yellowhair
Life is like a cruel joke for me. My stomach just like sank like I felt like I was going to die.
 
 
yellowhair
07 October 2009 @ 03:46 pm
I haven't been able to sleep. I was up all night. I drove and just kept driving. Finally I came back to this stupid RV that I am having to stay in because I have no job and my money that I saved in running out. I feel sick to my stomach. So hopeless. Last night I tried to sleep so bad but I just felt wired, worried and wide awake. I made an appointment with this mental health clinic but can't get in until the end of this month. I took the last Xanax I was saving last night hoping it would help me calm down and sleep and it did nothing. I can't believe I am having to stay in my dad's RV. I can't stand it! It is so claustrophobic and I have no privacy and my neighbor is always right outside my window with his screaming kids. It is so depressing here. My dad says I should appreciate the fact that he is letting me stay in his RV but I can't seem to appreciate anything right now. I seriously feel like crawling in a hole and dying. I got a job at Schlotzskie's the sandwich joint and she said I can go do my paperwork Saturday to finally start. But I feel like I am going to be stressed at this job because I have worked in fast food before and I could never get anything right and it was so stressful. But my dad says if I don't start working in a month he is kicking me out on the street. Doesn't he understand I am screwed up? Mainly because of him and my fucking mom. It just pisses me off so bad. My mom already kicked me out and didn't seem to give a damn where I went. It pisses me off that you can't make people care. Even your own family. I don't do drugs? I am not a trouble maker? Why do/have my parents treat me so poorly? They make me feel like dirt and always have. Does anyone else think it is messed up that my parents would just kick me out on the street knowing I am depressed and can hardly function? I can't even make myself go to the grocery store to get food to eat. I haven't eaten since early yesterday. I feel like breaking down and crying to my dad that I cant handle anything anymore but knowing how cold he is he would probably yell at me and tell me to get over it. All night I was thinking about just locking myself in the restroom and just cutting. Maybe doing something worse than just cutting. No one knows I even do that. I am wondering what would happen if I just spilled my soul out to my dad or brother and told them all of this? Then maybe they would know how messed up I really am. But my brother just had a baby with his life and I feel like crap burdening people. My dad and step mom seem annoyed that I am even here and that they are even having to deal with me. They just gave me this RV and put me in this RV park. I was kind of offended they wouldn't even let me sleep in their house for one night. I mean that is my father...But I guess he has never really acted like one. Am I overreacting? I feel that I have been treated like shit for so long by my family and people I just can't take it anymore and it seems so unfair. I guess I am so used to be treated so badly I just accept it. I am so angry and I don't know what to do?! I cant get these visions out of my head of just ending it all. It seems like it would be so peaceful to just do it. But then again I think about how it might hurt some people and that makes me not want to do it. Should I just go to a hospital and tell someone I want to die? I don't even have health insurance. What are depressed people with no money and not really any family supposed to do? It is all so messed up. Maybe if I could just sleep it would be better. But that drives me even more crazy because I can't even escape by sleeping. Has anyone ever been in this position before? I really need some help. It's like I want to die but I can't quite make myself give up. People keep saying it will get better but in 25 years every year has gotten worse with my disappointments and me letting myself down and becoming more crazy. I wish I had someone. Someone here that I could trust that I could tell all of this to and they would understand. No one I know seems to understand why I feel this way...I get tired of being depressed around people.
 
 
Current Mood: Hopeless
 
 
yellowhair
People are only there for you when its conveinent for them....no matter what they say. And that sucks. It sucks being completely alone. I dont know how t
 
 
yellowhair
o handle this anymore?
 
 
yellowhair
I am like a little girl that doesn't understand anything. I wonder if I will ever feel/ become like an adult? I am so clueless about the world and people....